Four years and ninety-nine days.

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Four years and ninety-nine days. 

Today is the day I finally found the root of all my problems and fears.

I cannot finish school, I cannot stay in one job longer than 5 months. I had a major drug and alcohol problem. I had (and sometimes still have, I admit) suicidal thoughts.

Trouble sleeping, deep depression, sleep paralysis.

Four years and ninety-nine days. 

Let me get to my point.

Today I had a serious talk with my significant other. About my problems, my attitude. He told me that for the last year I haven’t made any progress at all. I’m still in the same place in life. Unfinished high school, no job (again). And the most important thing he said is, that I’m not doing anything at all and I don’t allow him to help me. I decline any help.

So we got to the root of my problem. Let me share it with you, maybe there is someone out there, struggling with the same thing. So I will start from the beginning.

2011. Me, a 16 year old girl, living with her mother. My father was abroad, working to get us money for bills and living. We never really lived normally, no money, no jobs in our country, sometimes even no food or finances to pay our bills. So dad made a decision to go away and help us from a far. It was hard for us and for him, because we all really loved each other.

Everything started to get balanced,  only problem was that mom’s health started to get very bad. She went to the doctor’s and it turned out she was ill. Cancer. Lung cancer was the diagnosis.

No matter what, we stayed positive. Mom said it can be cured so we didn’t lose our faith. She went through a lot of chemotherapy, her hair fell out. But she always smiled. I loved that about her.

Even though we had our faith,  things kept getting worse.

Just so you know, my mom was my closest friend, I talked to her about everything, she never judged me, she was always by my side.

2012. In spring it started to get uncontrollable, mom’s health was critical, so dad came back to take care of her. She couldn’t walk, eat or sleep because of the pain cancer caused her.

5th July, 2012. My 17th birthday. Mom felt awful, she said only one word : “Happy”. I know it was meant to be “Happy birthday “, so I thanked her, I was happy that she’s still with me.

The next day I woke up exactly at 7:35. It was strange,  because I never wake up that early. I went into my parents room and saw dad crying. He said : “Come, say goodbye to mommy, she is leaving us..”

It was the worst day of my life. It turned out mom was hiding that she had stage 4 cancer, which means that it’s impossible to cure.

Month after mom’s death, dad went back to UK and left me all alone. He was sending me money to pay the rent,  because I was a minor, it was against the law to work.

That was the moment everything got awful. I started to do drugs, I was out of control.

And even though I got rid of that problem, I still feel the consequences of what happened four years and ninety-nine days ago.

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She was an angel. And always will be.

Hello. It’s me.

Been a while since my last entry, as usual.

Well, I should start with the most important part – I’m still clean and sober, yay! That makes exactly 1 year, 2 months and 6 days.  ♥

I’ve been having some difficulties in my life lately, that have lead me to a total nervous breakdown.  First of all, I’ve had a bit of a struggle at my work place, the salary was SO small, that I couldn’t even afford to pay my bills, so yesterday I left my job and now I’m searching for a new one.  Trying to keep calm and take this as a bit of a vacation, I really think I deserve that after all I’ve been through.

The second thing that has been bothering me, is my relationship with my boyfriend. I know I’m overreacting sometimes, but I reaaaalllyyy think that I’m the only one who will literally cry a river if this fairytale ends. Have you guys ever had this cute little feeling when you meet someone special, butterflies in your tummy, sparkly eyes, a feeling of…errmmm L O V E? This is one of the most dangerous feelings for an addict. Because, when you lose someone you truly love and you thought he will be by your side no matter what… Well.. It leads to serious consequences. It’s not like he doesn’t love me back or something, it’s just that I’m a bit concerned about my mental health at the moment,  like, what if he actually leaves, what the hell will I do?

Okay, it’s really just my paranoia taking control again, I’m sure it will end very soon.

Just to remind you ( in case there actually is someone who is reading my blog (besides myself)) you can write me your questions and I will try to help you! If you or someone you love or just know is struggling with a drug addiction, please let me know, I will do my best to help you through this hell. Just remember you’re not alone and never lose your strength!

Oh and I plan on returning to blogging, so please show my blog to your friends or share it somewhere, and feel free to comment, I will be happy about every single follower I’ll get. Who knows, maybe some day I will be able to help someone with my experience.

Have an amazing day!♥

when you find your path

It’s been quite a long time since my last entry.

If I still have followers, I’m glad to say – I’m alive and clean and sober for more than a year. Yayy.

Everything has changed, my personality , my looks, my thoughts. I feel so free, although I have problems in my life, they are nothing like those problems with drugs. So happy to finally say this, I’ve been fighting with this for a long long time, and I’ve finally beat this hell!

Never give up people, you will fight hard and sometimes lose the battles,  but what’s important – you will win the war and it’s totally worth it!

♡♡♡

 

when you realise.

You know what is the weirdest thing?

I just had to say no, say no to all of my “friends”, who actually didnt need me, say no to all of my thoughts and dreams and… start a new life.

I am clean and sober for more than two months now, i dont use medication, i dont visit the psychiatrist, i was not in a rehab again.

I just thought about my life and.. said no.

Now its yes, yes, yes to being creative, big yes for walking in the park with my family, yes to music, sunsets, art, crying while watching a romantic movie…

I love my life the way it is and there is nothing i want to change about it. Im clean, sober, healthy and most important- i am happy!  <>

off the road

damn. looks like i’m not strong enough to live without drugs.

i’m an active user again, and i just cant confess, i cant look my loved ones in the eyes and confess. i feel crazy, i have creepy halucinations, im afraid to go to a doctor.

i will lose my job and my family if i come clean about this. but i just cant stop using, its poisonous, i hate my addiction and i definately hate my life right now.

Alive

Hello followers. I have been gone for a long, long time, my last entry is rather depressing, but I`d like you to know, that I`m okay, clean for over a half year now and living my life free.

I was in an institution, kind of a rehab. I feel amazing now. Yes, it`s hard. But my life is going up. ❤

it`s been a while

I am still lost . Weak . Hopeless .
Helpless .
I feel like I have done everything possible to stop , but I still cannot stop . It`s getting worse .
Yesterday was the first time my father saw me going crazy just because I didn`t have any drugs , nor the possibilty to get them .
I was hitting myself in the face , plucking out my hair , screaming in an unrealistic demon-like voice .
I`m slowly dying and I have accepted that .
Im sorry that I let down all the people who believed in me , but I guess Im just not that strong as I thought I would be .
Anyway , I have nothing to live for , I`m just a pain in the ass and there is no f-ing way I will survive this bullcrap .
So I guess this is the end of my road.
No , I will not commit suicide , Im too afraid to do this .
But I just feel my days are counted.
So I`ll just lay here peacefully , waiting for death to come and take me to the place I belong in .
What ever you do – dont even try drugs. If you have ever considered such option – I want you to know , that there is no way back . It`s a trap .
Once you`re in – you have put a stamp on yourself .
Im sorry , that my plan didnt go as I wanted . This blog was all about recovery , but now its just a piece of bulls*it , where you can witness another young , lost teenager going straight to hell .
Im sorry I disappointed you . I disappointed myself too .
I hope you learn from my mistakes .
May God be with you .

sunrise

hello there !
i know i`ve been gone for few weeks , but i just took some time of the internet , it gets me sick sometimes .
anyway , today i celebrate the 12th day since i last used drugs .
but before that , went too far and started even taking pills i knew nothing about . sick..
but i`m hanging on , praying to God for strenght .. !
the most important thing is to believe in the power i have over myself . and thing will be fine , i just need some time ..

Thanks for your prayers and support , it helps a lot ! Love you all ❤

honesty is the key

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Haven`t been here for two days .

Well , at least I have some amazing news ! Buuuut I also have bad news .

I`ll start with the bad ones , so the good ones seem even better afterwards .Huh .. I`m still doing drugs .. Haven`t stopped ..

But the amazing , great , beautiful , news are .. I fessed up ! Met my sis today , long time , no see , you know .. She did know I was doing drugs , but what she didn`t expect is that I am doing them few times a day , every single day .. I told her everything , we had a heart-to-heart talk and she is there to support me . 🙂

Now for the grand finale – I TOLD IT TO MY DAD . 

What I was expecting – anger . I thought he will pack my bags and throw me out the house .

BUT INSTEAD he accepted me the way I am . Dont get me wrong , he DID NOT give me a load of heroin and say : “Good girl , I`m proud of you !”

Daddy was crying . It broke me.. He said that he could never imagine his little princess taking a hit in the public bathroom . Oh , God , I feel sooo guilty right now . I hurt him . He thinks that he`s the one to blame..

Also , he said that he`s is proud of me . For telling him the truth . For being brave and taking another step towards freedom . Told him about the Narcotics Anonymous meetings . I thought that he will judge me , but he said that , if I feel the need to go to these meetings , than I should most definately go !

We stayed up all night . And talked . I showed him my hands . Yes , he was shocked as hell .. But at least he knows the truth now .

And thats another step . ❤