Four years and ninety-nine days.

Four years and ninety-nine days. 

Today is the day I finally found the root of all my problems and fears.

I cannot finish school, I cannot stay in one job longer than 5 months. I had a major drug and alcohol problem. I had (and sometimes still have, I admit) suicidal thoughts.

Trouble sleeping, deep depression, sleep paralysis.

Four years and ninety-nine days. 

Let me get to my point.

Today I had a serious talk with my significant other. About my problems, my attitude. He told me that for the last year I haven’t made any progress at all. I’m still in the same place in life. Unfinished high school, no job (again). And the most important thing he said is, that I’m not doing anything at all and I don’t allow him to help me. I decline any help.

So we got to the root of my problem. Let me share it with you, maybe there is someone out there, struggling with the same thing. So I will start from the beginning.

2011. Me, a 16 year old girl, living with her mother. My father was abroad, working to get us money for bills and living. We never really lived normally, no money, no jobs in our country, sometimes even no food or finances to pay our bills. So dad made a decision to go away and help us from a far. It was hard for us and for him, because we all really loved each other.

Everything started to get balanced,  only problem was that mom’s health started to get very bad. She went to the doctor’s and it turned out she was ill. Cancer. Lung cancer was the diagnosis.

No matter what, we stayed positive. Mom said it can be cured so we didn’t lose our faith. She went through a lot of chemotherapy, her hair fell out. But she always smiled. I loved that about her.

Even though we had our faith,  things kept getting worse.

Just so you know, my mom was my closest friend, I talked to her about everything, she never judged me, she was always by my side.

2012. In spring it started to get uncontrollable, mom’s health was critical, so dad came back to take care of her. She couldn’t walk, eat or sleep because of the pain cancer caused her.

5th July, 2012. My 17th birthday. Mom felt awful, she said only one word : “Happy”. I know it was meant to be “Happy birthday “, so I thanked her, I was happy that she’s still with me.

The next day I woke up exactly at 7:35. It was strange,  because I never wake up that early. I went into my parents room and saw dad crying. He said : “Come, say goodbye to mommy, she is leaving us..”

It was the worst day of my life. It turned out mom was hiding that she had stage 4 cancer, which means that it’s impossible to cure.

Month after mom’s death, dad went back to UK and left me all alone. He was sending me money to pay the rent,  because I was a minor, it was against the law to work.

That was the moment everything got awful. I started to do drugs, I was out of control.

And even though I got rid of that problem, I still feel the consequences of what happened four years and ninety-nine days ago.

She was an angel. And always will be.

Somehow it does feel right

I keep wondering why all of my bad decisions feel so right.. I recently left my job because I got tired of smiling and playing nice for such a small salary. Now I have no job and it does not bother me, I actually have enough money to live for a while and I planning to leave the country, because I got a great offer from my best friend.

This all sounds so awkward, wrong and fckd up, but it feels right.

Somehow.

Its a new dawn, its a new day, its the..same old life.

Got some sleep with the thought to wake up and get my shit together. Woke up with a thought that I got some rest and can continue wasting my life. Getting ready for work, high again, but Im in a good mood. At least for now.

go to your safe place

You know how they say, everybody has their own safe place. Its different for everyone and each person understands it in their own way. For example, part might think of it as literally a place, their room, a bench in the woods, a hidden spot by the lake etc.

Well for me, safe place associates with a mind state where I turn off thoughts about problems, memories, anxiety, stress, opinions, everything. I just dont think about anything. All I do is.. exist. Exist in the moment, no matter where I am, its like all of the systems shut down and its only me, and the moment Im in. Well most often my safe place appears when Im having an epilepsy seizure, but that doesnt count, those are just few seconds before I get a panick attack and start thinking about EVERYTHING all at the same time. But usually I do this thing when Im home alone, or driving a bus or a train somewhere, I just stare in the far and do nothing, think nothing, see nothing, hear nothing. That is definitely my kind of safe place. I feel invulnerable.

Its nice to enjoy those moments and take a break from the tiring and cruel world.

And what about you? What is that you call your safe place? Whoever is reading this, write me a message or leave a comment on this topic. I find it interesting how people can be so different and unique. 🙂

The Hell that follows

 

I`m back after a pretty long silence period.

Well, in case someone is wondering, life hasn`t been going as planned. I`ll try to make a short summary of whats been going on in my life since my last entry and then I will move on to this moment of my life.

Sheesh… well it definitely hasn`t been easy. Let`s start with the fact I had finally found THE ONE. That one person I was waiting for all my life. It didnt last for long tho.

16th of December, 2016. 1 year and 30 days by his side and he tells me he`s sick of my attitude, along with a bunch of other stuff from the ”I didnt even love you” kind. WOW. Ever heard of a fairytail gone wrong? Well this was one of those moments.

I panicked. I didnt run to my best friends to cry on their shoulder, I did get drunk and wasted on drugs, basically I was like that for the first two months after the break-up. I tried to kill myself. All medicine, all pills I could find at home – all got swallowed. I hoped it will work, but all that happened is that I got dizzy, fell asleep on the floor, woke up feeling like shit and after that I was rushed to the hospital with some damn stupid stomach thing, doesnt matter.

I was completely lost and in February, 2017 I spontaneously moved to another country, NL to be more precise, I would never do that in my past, because I was too afraid to leave my comfort zone, even if it was the shittiest place to be, but this time I built up my courage and packed my stuff and poof, gone I was.

It didnt last long tho. Some family issues came up and I left in the middle of the summer. As I thought everything was finally the way it should be, depression started to creep up on me, teamed with my anxiety and mentally instable personality, I started to get extra unsocial. Got a job, where I have to be happy, smiley and friendly, while looking in the camera… That seemed like a challenge. As time went by, I started to act rather creepy. Even in my days off, I didnt leave my room, when I was away from cameras at work, I didnt talk or even chat with anyone. I started to like being alone.

And now lets continue with whats happening now.

Well… Im still extremely depressed. 2 months ago I was diagnosed with focal epilepsy, that uppset me even more (if thats even possible) and things started to get out of hand.

One day I had enough. My friends were treating me like shit, although I really deserve that. I was one of the best employees at work, but still felt underestimated. My financial situation got extremely awful due to the fact that my dad lost his job. And there it was…

The moment I understood that I just cant get through this without drugs. I took a hit, a pretty tough one and what happened, was something I could never imagine happening. I overdosed. I just passed out. It was probably faith that my dad showed up in time and called the ambulance. I was rushed to the hospital and the doctors said its a miracle Im still alive.

Its not like I didnt understad, I did, I did get scared as well, but thats the reason why addiction is classified as an illness, it still wasnt and isnt enough to make me stop. Some of my friends from Narcotics Anonymous told me, that I wont be able to stop unless I want to work for it, unless Im willing to do anything to stop. And the will to stop wont be a hundread percent true until I fall as low as I can possibly fall and lose as much as I possibly can lose. Im still on drugs. And the most scary fact is that Im managing to show excellent result at work, take a pause to sleep or eat once in a while etc.

And Im scared. Im scared that I will get used to geting away with everything in my life. And Im scared that one day Im gonna fall so hard, I wont be able to survive the crash.

But even my fear doesnt help in making progress towards saying goodbye to my addiction. Im a marionette controlled by the drugs, when I dont use them, I feel like Im nothing. An empty void. A piece of… nothing. Like I dont have a personality.

I`ll find a way to stop. I know its not my path to die as a max 30 year old junkie, lying on the sidewalk and my heart wont stop because I wont be able to get a hit or smth. Im more than that. I just have to hurry up and get my shit together before its too late and I wont be able to make a choice.

Also, today I decided to share my blog with a person, thats very important to me, although Ive only met him once and dont know him for a long time. But he has got really important to me, and I guess it will only be fair to imform him of who I am and whats going on inside me. Two roads, two possible outcomes, he will either curse the day we met and send me to hell, where I belond, or he will understand and be there for me, Im hoping for the second one, but Im also ready to accept the worst possible outcome. Good luck to me, hahaha… *nervous breakdown giggle*

Hey, happy New Years everyone! I just wish you get all the best there is to get from this year, be strong and dont let anything or anyone live your life for you.

Hello. It’s me.

Been a while since my last entry, as usual.

Well, I should start with the most important part – I’m still clean and sober, yay! That makes exactly 1 year, 2 months and 6 days.  ♥

I’ve been having some difficulties in my life lately, that have lead me to a total nervous breakdown.  First of all, I’ve had a bit of a struggle at my work place, the salary was SO small, that I couldn’t even afford to pay my bills, so yesterday I left my job and now I’m searching for a new one.  Trying to keep calm and take this as a bit of a vacation, I really think I deserve that after all I’ve been through.

The second thing that has been bothering me, is my relationship with my boyfriend. I know I’m overreacting sometimes, but I reaaaalllyyy think that I’m the only one who will literally cry a river if this fairytale ends. Have you guys ever had this cute little feeling when you meet someone special, butterflies in your tummy, sparkly eyes, a feeling of…errmmm L O V E? This is one of the most dangerous feelings for an addict. Because, when you lose someone you truly love and you thought he will be by your side no matter what… Well.. It leads to serious consequences. It’s not like he doesn’t love me back or something, it’s just that I’m a bit concerned about my mental health at the moment,  like, what if he actually leaves, what the hell will I do?

Okay, it’s really just my paranoia taking control again, I’m sure it will end very soon.

Just to remind you ( in case there actually is someone who is reading my blog (besides myself)) you can write me your questions and I will try to help you! If you or someone you love or just know is struggling with a drug addiction, please let me know, I will do my best to help you through this hell. Just remember you’re not alone and never lose your strength!

Oh and I plan on returning to blogging, so please show my blog to your friends or share it somewhere, and feel free to comment, I will be happy about every single follower I’ll get. Who knows, maybe some day I will be able to help someone with my experience.

Have an amazing day!♥

when you find your path

It’s been quite a long time since my last entry.

If I still have followers, I’m glad to say – I’m alive and clean and sober for more than a year. Yayy.

Everything has changed, my personality , my looks, my thoughts. I feel so free, although I have problems in my life, they are nothing like those problems with drugs. So happy to finally say this, I’ve been fighting with this for a long long time, and I’ve finally beat this hell!

Never give up people, you will fight hard and sometimes lose the battles,  but what’s important – you will win the war and it’s totally worth it!

♡♡♡

 

when you realise.

You know what is the weirdest thing?

I just had to say no, say no to all of my “friends”, who actually didnt need me, say no to all of my thoughts and dreams and… start a new life.

I am clean and sober for more than two months now, i dont use medication, i dont visit the psychiatrist, i was not in a rehab again.

I just thought about my life and.. said no.

Now its yes, yes, yes to being creative, big yes for walking in the park with my family, yes to music, sunsets, art, crying while watching a romantic movie…

I love my life the way it is and there is nothing i want to change about it. Im clean, sober, healthy and most important- i am happy!  <>

off the road

damn. looks like i’m not strong enough to live without drugs.

i’m an active user again, and i just cant confess, i cant look my loved ones in the eyes and confess. i feel crazy, i have creepy halucinations, im afraid to go to a doctor.

i will lose my job and my family if i come clean about this. but i just cant stop using, its poisonous, i hate my addiction and i definately hate my life right now.

Alive

Hello followers. I have been gone for a long, long time, my last entry is rather depressing, but I`d like you to know, that I`m okay, clean for over a half year now and living my life free.

I was in an institution, kind of a rehab. I feel amazing now. Yes, it`s hard. But my life is going up. ❤